don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
