There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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