I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
