Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
