Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I need a beard to bite.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
