My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The Olympian is in my bed
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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