everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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