I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This is my gift to your gina
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
