____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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