i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
