The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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