I just made out with a guy for $7.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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