I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
