my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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