I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
