I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
