this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
