Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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