I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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