party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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