Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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