I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
