i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
