nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
