everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
