Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
