Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize