I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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