I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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