Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
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