This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
