she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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