He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
