theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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