If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
