Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
