saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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