Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
