just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
