it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
