I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize