Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
