she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Im part way to drunk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
