I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
