I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
