Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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