just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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