Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
