I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
