I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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