Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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