Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
