you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
