I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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