I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Let's get the cat blown out
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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