Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
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