I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
