I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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