Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
