All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize