Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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