my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
