I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
