I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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