new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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