Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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