i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
