Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
