so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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