Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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