Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
