His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
