I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
