haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
